1 But these are all golden dreams.
2 That night I had the most hideous dreams.
3 Even in my underground dreams I did not imagine love except as a struggle.
4 So I dreamed as I sat at home that evening, almost dead with the pain in my soul.
5 Because I only like playing with words, only dreaming, but, do you know, what I really want is that you should all go to hell.
6 What were my dreams and how I could satisfy myself with them--it is hard to say now, but at the time I was satisfied with them.
7 I could never stand more than three months of dreaming at a time without feeling an irresistible desire to plunge into society.
8 But I had a means of escape that reconciled everything--that was to find refuge in "the sublime and the beautiful," in dreams, of course.
9 And, indeed, even while I was unconscious a point seemed continually to remain in my memory unforgotten, and round it my dreams moved drearily.
10 I was dreaming of it continually, horribly, and I purposely went more frequently to the Nevsky in order to picture more vividly how I should do it when I did do it.
11 I begged Simonov's pardon especially; I asked him to convey my explanations to all the others, especially to Zverkov, whom "I seemed to remember as though in a dream" I had insulted.
12 I felt particularly bold and cheerful after nine o'clock, I even sometimes began dreaming, and rather sweetly: I, for instance, became the salvation of Liza, simply through her coming to me and my talking to her.
13 The palace of crystal may be an idle dream, it may be that it is inconsistent with the laws of nature and that I have invented it only through my own stupidity, through the old-fashioned irrational habits of my generation.
14 I was so accustomed to think and imagine everything from books, and to picture everything in the world to myself just as I had made it up in my dreams beforehand, that I could not all at once take in this strange circumstance.
15 But I only went to see him when that phase came over me, and when my dreams had reached such a point of bliss that it became essential at once to embrace my fellows and all mankind; and for that purpose I needed, at least, one human being, actually existing.
16 I was a terrible dreamer, I would dream for three months on end, tucked away in my corner, and you may believe me that at those moments I had no resemblance to the gentleman who, in the perturbation of his chicken heart, put a collar of German beaver on his great-coat.
17 It is just his fantastic dreams, his vulgar folly that he will desire to retain, simply in order to prove to himself--as though that were so necessary--that men still are men and not the keys of a piano, which the laws of nature threaten to control so completely that soon one will be able to desire nothing but by the calendar.
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