Many people today put personal information online for the needs of daily lives (e.g., shopping, banking, and social network). Is it a positive or negative development?

IELTS Writing Task 2 (Essay): Hints and Sample Answers Let me try to write.
 IELTS Academic Essay Answers - #7064
Question:
Many people today put personal information online for the needs of daily lives (e.g., shopping, banking, and social networks). Is it a positive or negative development?
Answer Hints:
You can choose either "positive" or "negative" as your answer. The topic is the balance between convenience and privacy.

Positive
  • Shopping or other online activities are convenient.
  • Improve performances of online transactions.
  • Help businesses analyze customers and offer better services.
Negative
  • Hackers may steal personal information online.
  • Your vendors may sell your personal information.
  • Privacy leakage may disturb your life and cause big losses.
Answer 1
Now, people have become increasingly dependent on the Internet and are willing to put their private information online to assist their everyday communication...

On the one hand, there are various benefits of exposing private information on social networks to help one's need for socializing and banking issues...

It is undeniable that when people make their private details public on social platforms, they will likely be infringed upon their personal information by cyber criminals; these people will use others' information to satisfy their immoral purposes...

In conclusion, despite some minor adverse effects, I would like to reiterate by saying that the tendency of putting our personal information online won't be reversible...
Band: 7
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Word Statistics
GroupWord NumberDistinctPercent
All Words31515749%
Top 300 Words177 (56%)62 (39%)35%
300 - 1000 Words52 (16%)30 (19%)57%
Over 1000 Words86 (27%)65 (41%)75%
Other Comments (magigates)
Link Words: 14 (including link phrase: 0)
Sentences: Number: 14; Average Length: 137 characters; Words/Sentence: 22
Suggestions:
IELTS Essay Format:
-The conclusion is too simple, rewrite to summarize your points.
-You should avoid using common words repeatedly, and show your grammatical range and accuracy as possible. The essay has their(8), information(8), people(6), have(6), and(5), private(5), will(4); try to decrease duplicated words.
-High-ratio basic sight words may degrade your writing; suggest rephrasing some.
-Suggest using a few rare or uncommon words to demonstrate your vocabulary range and level.
Task Response:
-The main ideas are relevant, but some would benefit from further development of the third paragraph; the essay topic is the balance between convenience and privacy.
Coherence and Cohesion:
-Each paragraph has a clear central topic, which is developed, and there is an effective use of cohesive devices.
Lexical Resources:
-The lexical resource is sufficient to allow some flexibility and precision, although there are a few choosing errors.
Grammar Range and Accuracy:
-There are various complex structures with frequent error-free sentences and reasonable control over grammar and punctuation.